This
happy story is from my never to be published book "The Secret History
of Everything". This is one of the chapters on the world of Toons. That
immortal race of beings that hides in plain sight.
Our tale so to speak describes the origins of out dear pal Daffy Duck.
Daffy
Duck was born or should I say hatched on May 12, 1923. His original
destiny was to be guest of honor in a boxed lunch at an annual
convention of vacuum cleaner salesmen. However history had other plans
for this unique foul.
Daffy's formative years were spent in the
cosmopolitan atmosphere of a Harlem oriental noodle shop. This informed
him that there was a better world outside the oppressive confines of an
American race ghetto.
The blossoming Harlem Renaissance was a
cornucopia of wonders for the young Daffy. Naturally this led him to the
stage. Daffy Duck performed publicly for the first time at the famed
Apollo Theater on amateur night.
He charmed the audience with his
kid act. He juggled broken beer bottles while swallowing watermelons.
He'd then squat, and lay them while doing the Charleston. True he was a
male, but to the audience a duck was a duck.
Anyway it brought the house down.
..hey keep reading it gets better.
Josephine
Baker was so impressed by his act that she took him along on her tour
of France. "My little Black Duckie" she called him. Josephine while
making the rounds of the jazz clubs in the City of Light would introduce
Daffy as her nephew.
The sophisticated Parisians didn't blink at this. They took it to be just another bizarre American custom.
Daffy
while doing his act at the Cafe 'Celluloid was noticed by a famous
American producer. Yep it was the old proto nazi himself,..Walt Disney.
He
was seated at a private table with his protégé a young black mouse
named Mickey. Walt liked them young, and dark. Also at the table was a
very well dressed German gentleman named Goebbels.
After Daffy's
performance in which he played Beethoven on a grand piano while
juggling several large bottles of nitroglycerin with his butt. He was
invited over to Mr. Disney's table for a chat.
Disney who was
sipping owls head soup from a Ming Dynasty bowl seemed a pleasant
affable sort of fellow. On the other hand his little companion, the
mouse, was obnoxious. Indeed he was more than a little vulgar.
The
disheveled rodent kept passing wind, giggling, and putting a strange
white powder in his nose. The German gentleman just sat there stiffly
staring at nothing while slowly sipping calf's blood through a polished
platinum straw.
Daffy now a worldly duck quickly sized up the
scam. He'd been to a number of parties like this already. Before Mr.
Disney could say anything Daffy told him, "..I don't take it up the
ass!"
The German's left eye twitched.
The little mouse
began laughing like a hissing like a steam pipe. He was also
masturbating spilling all the white powder onto the floor as he did.
Walt Disney turned to the crazed rodent, and in a lazy tone said, "Aw Mickey now look what you've done."
"How many times have I told you that stuff is expensive. Now Doctor Goebbels will have to get us more."
Walt confided in Daffy, "You'll have to excuse my young friend."
"He is after all a mouse, and so has a rather limited intellectual, and emotional repertoire."
However
as for 'your' lovely black ass please be reassured that back door
grease jobs are not something I'm likely to be doing for quite some
time."
"Or so my doctors tell me."
"Seems I acquired a rather unfortunate condition while on holiday in the Philippines."
"No, I have something entirely different in mind for you."
Besides
his interesting lifestyle Walt Disney was a businessman. One without an
once of sentiment so he made Daffy an ironclad offer!
Of course
Walt was aware of Daffy. The Toon grapevine was buzzing with his name
since his Apollo days. Everyone knew this was a duck to watch, and watch
the shark of Hollywood did. Disney had his operatives secretly film all
of Daffy's acts.
Walt especially liked the self-immolation routines.
Daffy
would blow himself up with a barrel of dynamite. As the smoke cleared
his blackened bill would slam to the floor as his eyeballs bounced about
the stage,...brilliant thought Disney!
Walt said to Daffy, "I intend to use you, and your colorful Toon colleagues to mold the dreams of America, and then the World!"
Mr.
Disney pointed to the German gentleman who seemed to be injecting
something into his arm. "Doctor Goebbels here has been invaluable to me
in forming the foundations of what I intend to be an Empire of Dreams!"
"My Dreams!"
Clearly
this is a gang of fruitcakes thought Daffy,..rich fruitcakes. So Daffy
asked a question. A question that has led many a Toon down the road to
perdition.
"How much?"
Ahhhh, old Disney smiled like a shark circling an overturned lifeboat full of children.
"How much?" "...why as much as you want my dear lad,..sign here."
...and he did.
Thus began Daffy Duck's adventures in Toon Hell!
Stay Tuned.
