An ongoing problem I have is that I keep forgetting I'm a Nigger,...a Faggot too. However mostly a Nigger. I keep thinking I'm just a person. Ya know free equal all that. I'm not, and never will be, but still I forget.
One tries to do good, but is constantly spat on for one's trouble. Granted I know that these feelings are the re-assertion of my assorted self image, and life long depression problems.
I'm in the process of detoxing from what are now for me deadly Meds. Useful for many years in shielding me from the above madness. However now it just makes it worse. So forced withdrawal with all the entertaining symptoms that come with it.
Though these symptoms,...which you can read about in this months early posts. These while still troubling seem to be simmering down somewhat.
Somewhat.
Pain nausea confusing visual shadows flitting about, and now as I mention further down,..."Chills, and Spills". My guts are ice, and I'm shivering in sweaty cold jags. As I mentioned this was the same as I had when I drug overdosed back in 1989, and in '92, and 2003.
I kept going back to make sure.
I must say each incident was heavenly. A chemical rush from realms we know not the nature of. A true spiritual adventure each. The down side I died each time. Came back, but left this reality three bleeping times. Different experience each journey.
I've written about these over over the centuries. Suffice to say, "Don't do this at Home Kids".
Did I mention that as I write this,...well confession of sorts. I'm enjoying "Cup 'a Noodles". ...chicken soup variety. The feast of choice of junkies, and cramming university students since it's invention by Harry Block, and Paul Touher in 1969. ...Bless them both, and where are they now I wonder?
So here we are. Still adjusting to a new physical reality. That, and to my amazement I'm still breathing. Mind you the "Nigger, and Fag" thing may develop into a problem. I may need the "talking cure" as in therapy. This as opposed to just more Meds which is how I ended here in the first place.
To that point as I posted earlier. "We have become a Nation of Junkies." Though not of the sort envisioned in the great William Burroughs book "Wild Boys",...google it.
More later. There's soup to drink, and prose to hammer out.
Amen.
Stay Tuned.
Sorry to hear you're feeling so poorly, and about the bigotry thing. I'm pissed at society for my own reasons - you know what I mean - but at least I can keep my mouth shut and try to hide from the Stasi; not so easy to hide your ancestry. I should probably stop fulminating about our dire historical situation and let you enjoy some pleasant happy thoughts. Maybe a little adventure fantasy style lit with queer boys as protagonists would be more uplifting & therapeutic. I *have* written some, you know.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of lit, that kid on the cover of Burroughs' book is *not* the kind of lad I dream of becoming involved with. A trifle too turbulent, to say the least! Makes a good cover, though.
Z
Re - "...not so easy to hide your ancestry..."
ReplyDeleteAnd why the hell should you anyway? Any more than we should have to conceal our true affections. How can we make it so that this is no longer a Bigot Planet?
Z
We can't.
ReplyDeleteWell, shit. Whatever happened to civil rights marches with Martin Luther King and equality and all that jazz? I want that back, along with a fresh hippie revolution and a bumper crop of new antibiotics that work against everything microbes can throw at us. Screw returning to the historical norm! It's dog poop!
ReplyDeleteZ