Friday, December 23, 2016

"The Actual Xmas Carol"

This is a transcript of a conversation between a part-time Angel, and one E. Scrooge. Time: 8:45 pm Greenwich, December 24th 1843 C.E.

"Eh,...Mr. E. Scrooge of 347 Banking Street North?"

"Who is there how dare you enter my home!"

"Strictly speaking I haven't,...that is entered your abode. Time-space displacements, and such."


"Never mind" "The thing is upon review of your current life Heavenly Personnel Management has dispatched,...well 'me' to set things in some order. Pardon the intrusion."


"Of course.

"Mr. Scrooge you are what is called in the popular jargon a "First Class Bucket of Shit". There are other descriptions of persons like you of varying levels of contempt, and dark humor."

"This being so your file rather stuck out like your assorted Mad Kings Emperors Maniacs, and Algebra teachers."



"Well the usual treatment for these sorts of cases is to let loose Spirits of the Season on them, and hope for the best. In your case a waste of time."

"...again I say Wha..."

"Please don't"

"So what I'm going to do is dip you into hell, um sorry this will hurt,...rather a lot I'm afraid. You'll be dipped for....say five minutes local time. This is roughly 148 years in spiritual time."

"This way please"


At this point in the transcript replacement Angel "56748/R88/Kv" logged that he went to the Angel's bar drank a six-pack of "Fiddlehead" beer. Vermont's best. Talked shop with friends, and lost track of time.

Our client E. Scrooge was retrieved from Hell 2 hours 56 minutes 31 seconds corporal time after being dispatched within.

Again it is somewhat difficult to calculate hell realm times, but as best our donated used Dell hp can tell Mr. Scrooge spent approximately 3,056 years  5 months 3 weeks 4 days 8 hours 23 minutes, and 52 seconds in the neither regions. 

Somewhat more than prescribed.

"Mr. Scrooge,...sir,...are you alright?"



"Our apologies. You were ensconced in the "Lake of Fire' for rather longer than intended". If nothing else we hope this has helped you reform your view of humanity."



"In my capacity as part time civil servant replacement "Angel" "56748/R88/Kv" ,...underpaid, and with no insurance."

"I'm required to say, "...Your soul is saved",...for now. "

"Go forth, and show the world kindness, and generosity"

"...sign here,...and here, thank you, and here....right, here too, just over here thank you, annnd,"

"Thank you"

"Of course nothing will be deposited in your spiritual account as you had to be 'told' to do all this. So technically nothing you do from here on is actually a good deed.

"Thank you, and a Merry Christmas if that applies."


Stay Tuned.

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