Sunday, August 9, 2015

"Wisdom of the Aged"


               (Your esteemed Editor as a newly minted Old Guy.)


Well there I was just finishing a shower a bit ago when I find my self flying out the bathroom, and into the hall. No not another Alien Abduction.

They don't seem interested after a certain age.

No it wasn't that. I slipped. Well that's the best word I have for flying, and spinning out of control. So I gets out of the tub as usual...it's in the Queers pocket guide. Pages 28 thru 62. 

"Cleanliness."

That means shower twice a day. Three times in summer or as needed. Incidentally I highly recommend "Pears" soap. "Been Cleaning the Stink off the Working Class for 115 years!"

Eh, that's not really their ad copy, but it should be. The stuff is a UK import. If you look at late 19th century images of London, and such you'll see their ad plastered all over the place.

But I digress. 

So I does the suds two step finish up step out of the tub, and go flying. At first I wasn't sure what was up. Ya know that feeling when you're not in control of your body...that was it.

I slid, and began doing twists...around, and around, and heading to the bathroom door past it into the hall, and well on my way to the kitchen. I wasn't even stoned. 

I comes to a stop at my front door on which someone's knocking.

eh,..."Who is it".

I ask in my best Haus Frau voice.

"Good morning Ma'am,...we'd like to speak to you about Our Lord, and Savior Jesus Christ."

"...eh....."

You can't make crap like this up. I'm flying down the hall with my schlong hanging out, and  run smack into the Big Guy. ...or at least a couple of his reps.

So I sez, "...No thanks fella's I'm Buddhist".

Which wasn't exactly a lie since my Chinese grandma was a Buddhist Catholic.  Them nuns that were kicking the shit out'a me back in the day would'a had kittens if they knew about that.

"Can we leave some literature for you?"

So eager were these two to save my soul.

"Of course just slip it under the door".

Which they does, and leave looking for more likely takers.

Ya know if I was a youngster again I would'a opened the door, and engaged in a theological discussion with our heroes there. This with my swell junk hanging out all over the place. 

      (Self portrait of yours truly as a sweet young kiddie...nice huh?)

A few years after the above I was something to see when I had my girlish figure. As it is I didn't want to frighten them by showing 'em the gruesome reality that was waiting for them in just a few decades.  I couldn't be that cruel.

So to sum up.

Please be careful getting in or out of a tub. Don't get your foot caught on the shower curtain...ya could break your neck. Make sure the floor isn't wet or soapy...mine was both. Also make sure you're awake, and paying attention...I wasn't.

See gang this is what comes with age. Stuff you never had to think about now takes careful planning. I'm thinking of posting a booklet of bleep to know for the Newly Aged.

Chapter One "....you ain't Bleeping 16 anymore!"

Good place to start ya think!



Stay Tuned.

12 comments:

  1. OK so how do I deal with this one: there's a rat in my house! Spotted it 90 minutes ago. It got in the back door, I think. I'm freakin! Afraid to go to sleep.

    Z

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ah,...no problem. Either call pest control or shoot the evil greasy thing. Seriously though that's awful. I'd spend the night hunting it down, but you could get bit. So maybe pest control is the only rational recourse.

    Still shooting it would be more satisfying.

    Yuck that bad. now I'm freaked out too.

    Please be careful!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks! I called pest control and the guy may show up in a coupla days to set some traps. On his advice, I've set up a trail of tiny food nuggets leading to the front door & out. Problem is, my (evil) neighbor's outdoor cats sleep athwart his way out. So it may come to traps in the end, and more nights hosting this most unwelcome guest. It's a major creep-out.

    Z

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well I understand there are some Andean ethnic groups that eat them little guys...no racist crap intended. Anyway if you can get one of these folks to spend the weekend....ya know.

    Uncle

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  5. Somewhere in the Hindu Kush too, gather. I saw an annoying adventure travel host experiencing that dish there on TV a few years ago; he moralized most irritatingly on the virtues of being broad-minded about cuisine. Yechh. Better him than me. I guess grub's scarce at high altitudes & u gotta take what u can find.

    Z

    ReplyDelete
  6. Just saw the fucking rat again, in my kitchen no less. Where is goddam Vector Control? I just called them, but it's the middle of the night. I could get my own rat trap I suppose - and then maybe wind up with a partially dead rat on my hands, with its guts hanging out all over the place: just what I wanna deal with. This sorta thing is for pros to handle, methinks.

    Z

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well the true 'Merican way would be just shoot the sucker when he dares to show his greasy whiskers. Otherwise I'm at a loss. I hate them guys. I know they're next in line to dominate the world. 'But can't they wait till we're officially extinct?!

    ...or do they Know Something We Don't?

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  8. Gee...I think you may have to set your own traps. Them rat guys are dangerous. Never mind the guts use plastic gloves or such. This is the price we pay for being outside the food-chain...for now.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ya not gonna believe this, but I just spotted the first mouse in my digs since I get here near six years ago. How the hell did it get in???!!!

    I'm mixing a pot of WW1 style Chlorine gas to smoke Mickey out. NYC gun laws make shooting the evil bleep impractical. Bleach, and Ammonia as I accidentally discovered as a little kid cooks up a deadly gas indeed.

    Stay Tuned.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Be careful not to gas yourself, & remember, if Mickey croaks in a hole somewhere, his little carcass will smell awful. Maybe traps?

    My rat situation is still pending. I'll let you know if there's a resolution.

    Z

    ReplyDelete
  11. I have wonderful news. I just found a dead rat in my house. The cage trap failed, but the snap trap got it. Now I have to dispose of the little fucker. Yuck. I think I'll procrastinate for an hour or two.

    Z

    ReplyDelete
  12. I have murdered Mickey Rat. So much for the Potentate of Puke.

    Z

    ReplyDelete