"This Just In!" A puppy has just devoured all of the current Presidential candidates! Yes even those annoying 3rd party nutters. The lot are in the puppy's gut!
The puppy whose street name is "Kool-J" was apprehended by Secret Service agents who were for the moment distracted by watching the new season opener of "Walking Dead",...btw "Glenn" bought it.
After mourning the bashed in brains of their favorite TV character the Agents sprang into action, and subdued the Mass Assassin Pup. They seized, and held "Kool-J" upside down trying to get the candidates or at least major portions of them into a handy punch bowl.
No dice. The former Presidential wannabees were mulched into an common meatball of blue, and red tissue.
There continues to be a search for possible co-conspirators to this heinous deed.
As news of this Mass Consumption of the 2016 candidates for the worlds highest office spread. Crowds formed in the streets of great cities towns, and villages to praise the fearless deed of the Puppy "Kool-J".
The Archbishop of Kansas City hailed "Kool-J" as, "...The Savior of the Republic!" "Eddie" homeless much decorated Iraq vet openly wept saying into our microphones, "...Now there is Hope where there was 'none' before!"
Retired, and impoverished emotionally unstable former obscure radio personality "Uncle Sidney" is recorded to have said, "...will you damned maniacs quiet down I'm taking my Med up here!"
"Percy" a relative of "Kool-J's" was quoted, "...is he on Crack again?"
Yes across the nation, and around the world a collective sigh of relief as a seriously deranged demented bullet was averted by all. "Kool-J" in his first press conference since his horrific yet popular crime said, "...Eh,...I really need to go for a walk,...no really I do."
More on this great event as developments warrant.