Thursday, July 9, 2015
In Detroit Michigan 28,000 bags of nuts were reportedly stolen from a warehouse. Officials fear this may be an escalation of the inner city crime wave that has plagued that community since "Coca Cola-Green" was foolishly introduced some months ago.
Cultural confusion, and outbreaks of violence in many communities around the country has been laid at the feet of this profoundly questionable product.
The Detroit "Rodent Affairs Commissioner" Otto Shmink says the "Nut Bag Incident" has the paws of certain Squirrel youth gangs all over it. Leader of the "Detroit Rodent, and Ferret Action league for Justice" Condemned Commissioner Smink's statement as both insensitive, and near Species-ist.
The suspect above, Eddie Goldberg, was arrested as he sat outside his trailer in the troubled quadruped ghetto of "Wretched View". "They grabbed the first Rodent they could find" said his outraged neighbors.
Statement from the defendant:
"Hey I was just reading the racing forms when the Pigs come out'a nowhere grabs my ass, and the next thing I know I'm on the front page of the "Post".
"I don't even like nuts I'm frigging allergic!"
More on this story as events demand.
In World News
The King of North Korea Kim Jong-un, on left above, has ordered the execution of a farmer that pissed him off.
(...this one really happened.)
It's reported that Jong-un the hereditary Commie King of that demented madhouse didn't like the production figures the farmer was reporting.
Said the un-named farmer just before his was blasted to jelly by four 20mm anti-aircraft guns in front of his village.
"Christ's sake will you guys gimme a break!"
"There's no water no fertilizer no working farm equipment there's a drought bugs, and bleeping bandits taking what little we got..."
King Jong-un was not moved by the Class Enemy's plea.
The King who just Executed his Uncle his Aunt assorted Cousins his Ex-Girl Friend a soccer team, and the Heads of his Army Navy, and Intelligence Service is apparently unaware of the fate of the Roman Emperor Caligula.
That former Chief of State of the Roman Empire behaved in a very similar manner till his generals cut his head off,...this out of desperate self preservation.
Stay Tuned to "Sweetness, and Light" a proud affiliate the "Non-Existent News Network".