"ON THE ROAD"


You know I got the urge to go on an "underclass crime spree!" The kind ya sees on "Cops", and those other "wife-beater" shows. See I'll steal a 1966 Ford pickup from some trailer park somewhere. I'll go down to the mini-mall, and rob the liquor store, the 7-11, bust open the "atm" at the gas station, and knock over the Chapel of the Love of Jesus for the change in the poor box.

Which is the whole point, the change not the Chapel. Forgive me Jesus. I'll be need'n them coins for the tolls on the highway. On which the drama of my two state high speed chase will be played out. There your Beloved Uncle Sidney, and various of my more adventurous puppets will be.

Yup! We'll be suck'n down "Buds", and careening down gawds interstate at 90 miles an hour. Boy, weave'n left'n right raise'n sparks on the guard rails as the highway patrols from two seedy "flyover states" is on our tail wailing away! Man that's liven!


(Oh the freedom of the road! Blast'n along in an old Ford pickup get'n 5 miles to the gallon, and lay'n down a smoke screen of atomized dinosaurs. Hey they don't call's it "fossil" fuel for nuthin'! Aw man,drink'n beers, be'n chased by cops, and break'n laws! Life is Good!)

'Course after a few hours of this happy mayhem the boy'n gals in blue get'z fed up with me, and decides to shoot out my tires. They do, but it don't matter 'cause I'm in a tuff old ford that rides her steel alloy rims for another 80 miles!

Well finally they calls the Rustbelt state police, and they lays out them explosive spikes that shorts out ya engine, and blow off ya wheels. Btw, the Iraqi's uses the same shit on our jeeps'n trucks over in the war. Hey, what works, works.

Anyhow as is the traditional in these things I slams grill's bumper first into a lamppost. The pickup flips over tumble's three or four times, but I jumps out with just a few bruises, and scratches. See both the Ford, and me is old timers, and can take the punishment!


(Actually these gals with guns don't have anything to do with the story exactly. Sure I could work them in, but I'm too lazy. I just like look'n at gals with guns is all, well okay I likes look'n at boys too. You can link over to my other blog "Inkplumb" if ya likes that sort'a thing,..ahem)


(Yup! Gals with guns! They're the Nightmare of all them that stones Women, and hangs Gay's! Fuck you Osama, and ya evil pals!! These sweethearts is the friends of all Women in distress, and Gay boys be'n bashed! I just loves gals with big frigg'n guns!)

Now to our swell story which is waiting patiently for you to come back.

Ahem...,

Therein begins the best part of our drama. The "Perp Chase!" Yeah ya old Unk is beaten it through da bushes like a bat out'a hell! I got a t.v. audience now that's cheer'n me on. Downsized factory workers, and laid off programers hand's me beers, and Snapples, (tm), as I sprint through their backyards, and over fences.

Kid's toss's me candy bars, dogs bark, and old folks that remembers the golden 1950's, and full employment waves, and blows me kiss's! However it all ends as it usually does when I'm trapped in a dead end behind a bankrupted furniture store by a bunch a pissed off cops, and troopers.

They gleefully kicks the shit outta me for an hour or so 'cause I interrupted their other important business. Which was shaken down junkies, shoot's unarmed Black kids, and get'n free blowjobs at various mob-run lap-dance clubs. When I'm finally hauled in they sez my grievous injuries was from the crash.



Naturally I agrees with them, after all I don't want to be "suicided" in my cell after lights out. Involuntary "suicide" is a serious health hazard in most local holds as we all know. Btw the puppets was released 'cause they was minors.

Anyhow all that sure beats engineering the 11:00pm news rebroadcast here at WBAI, the people radio station. Just a lot of re-fried commie bullshit, and demo announcements for Jew haters, and terrorist lovers. Swell. "My Country Tis' of Thee..."

"AND ANOTHER THING!"



The other day as I was on my bathroom floor shrieking, and bats at demon gals. I thought about a couple of social experiments I might try. Both involved explosives real, and imagined.

See I thought I go up to our transmitter room at the Empire State Building. It's on the 86th floor, pretty high up you'll agree. Well I thought I'd go up there, and toss "cherry bombs" over the ledge. I figure they ought to go off at about the 50th floor or so.


(I was right there, used to have my lunch at the WBAI transmitter at "Empire" I'd dangle my toes over the edge. Yes astoundingly stupid, but fun)

Yeah that might get some notice. Ya know maybe some sort of panic. Now I'm not be'n evil here folks. This is all for a purpose. Like when the "U.S. Army Bio Weapons" guys spread flu virus through the NYC subway system back in the 1960's to track the contagion patterns.


(Did you know that there used to be a "Ladies Only" car on the original subway? The above is a pix' of one from 1910, just 50 years before the Army decided to use these nice ladies great grand kids as bio-warfare test subjects. Eh, without their knowledge of course,..the cold war'n all you understand)

Yeah that made sense. Only killed maybe 30 or 40 people they figured. Well worth it for the data. But I digress.

I actually don't wanna kill anybody,...well maybe one. Again I digress. I just want to graphically point out how open we are to any terrorist nut jobs that feel like wipe'n us the fuck out. Homeland Security my itchy nuts! I begs ya pardon, such language!, it's just that I'm somewhat passionate about the safety of our great nation.

Okay, so here's what I got in mind. I go out, and rents a van. Just like them gumba's that blew up the World Trade Center that first time. Maybe I'll go to the same lot.


Anyway I get the van, and I paints on it,..."ATOMIC FUCK'N BOMB!" Humm, they may not get it, okay I'll paints,..."EVIL, KRAZY, TERRORIST, SNEAKY, GAWDAMNED FRIGG'N, NO KIDD'N ATOMIC BOMB! FOR CHRISTS SAKES!!" Right I'll go with that.

So I'm driven around town with all that plastered on the side of the van, and of course this be'n New York nobody sez shit. Reminds me of the time we had to move some heavy equipment here at Wbai, and this listener offered the use of his truck,..cool we thought. Till he showed up.

His "truck" turned out to be a half rusted away 30 year old ex-milk truck. Which he had painted over with all these pro-Castro sayings, and communist flags. Oh yeah, btw we was go'n into a Cuban neighborhood. A place called Edison New Jersey

Famous as the home of the guys that attacked radio station "WADO"fm. Seems a "DJ" over there had nice things to say about Fidel. So naturally our heros from "Edison" decides to go to the station to kill him. You get's da picture here?


(Some of them swell Castro hate'n folks of Edison N.J. waiting to welcome the WBAI "Fidel" truck)

Well our Edison neo-fascist "freedom fighters" breaks into WADO, and stabs our Comrade live on da air. Ahem, this is the very same "Edison" we're about to drive into with a sign that sez:

"FIDEL IS COOL, CUBA LIBRE!"

That, and as I said various eastern bloc icons as well.


 The guys name was, and is Joe Friendly, and actually he really is,..friendly. If ya out there Joe keep'em fly'n!

Anyhow, I tellz Joe he'z out'a his fuck'n mind!! I tell'z him,.."Why don't ya paint some bullseyes on da windshield while ya at it!" "Make it easier for their snipers why don't ya?!" He takes it in good humor, he'z friendly after all, and we drives to our destination, 'and' comes back alive!

I attribute that miracle to the stunned disbelief of the natives upon see'n our roll'n commie target rack bump's down their streets. "Nah they sez to each other,..can't be" Well by the time they gets over their shock, and loads their guns we're already gone.

Where was I, oh yeah "Atomic Frigging Bombs!"



Right, so I drives my rented van labeled "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, ATOMIC FRIGG'N ASS BOMB!", an' everything to Times Square. I parks our sweetheart in the exact center of the "Capital of the Western World!" I gets out, still nobody pay's no attention whatever, and goes across the street to "Roxy's" for a cheeseburger or two.

There I waits for hours till they finally notices my van. Homeland Security? Not a chance, why should they. The van only sez it has an A-Bomb inside that's all. Nah, A meter maid tickets me, and a tow truck takes it all away to some pound in Queens.



Now if they had bothered to look inside they'd have found my note which sez,..."Boom!" "You, and everybody in a 25 block radius is dead" "Everybody within five miles has fatal radiation sickness,..they has maybe 3, 4 weeks to live. New York City will have to be evacuated for perhaps 20 years or more, and there are vans
like this in 10 other U.S.cities. Allah is Good.


(Something actually worse than Bernard White's WBAI)

We're wide open boys, and girls. Fuck Homeland Security. If you're old Uncle could blow this joint to hell imagine what the real nutjobs with a real bomb could do. I do not sleep easy.