Saturday, November 23, 2013

"Santa Inc."

Once upon a time there was this guy Santa Claus. He was a shill for the International Military Industrial infotainment Industry. Santa had this scam "Santa Co." with factories, and research facilities up at the North Pole.

So far so good.

Everything was working out just peachy for the old guy till certain waste management problems kicked him in the nuts...Hard. Seems the world's Eco systems backed up like the toilets in a Tijuana whore house on New Years Eve.

An interesting side effect of this jolly event was that the North Pole melted. ...who's a thunk it?

Total cluster fuck. All the factories flooded. No more reindeer neither. They're all drowned staved, and floating belly up in the tepid arctic sea. However all ain't lost Santa ain't nothing if not inventive.

Hey this is the guy that came up with the Hula Hoop, and Slinkies. 

Well okay he did develop that special air dropped bomb for the Russians. Nasty piece of work that. Good grief that little bundle of joy was packed with polymer shrapnel that can't be seen with ex-ray.

This makes treatment all, but impossible. 

Like I sez..nasty, but business is business. Hey give ol' Saint Nick arsenic, and talcum powder, and he'll make Crack...which he did. Santa Co. was behind that from the get-go. 

...nuff said.

Santa, and his R&D crew went to work on the melting ice raising sea problem, and came up with a winner. Instead of them reindeer whose bloated bodies is decorating the Arctic Ocean

...not unlike dead rats in a  punch bowl at a Mafia wedding.

Our hero is now using genetically enhanced Killer Whales to pull his submarine! Yeah he ditched that sled. Com'on ya can't expect Santa to be pulled around the bottom of the damned ocean in an open wheel barrel pulled by crazed whales.

The idea is to get'em to ya house alive!

So Saint Nick went to his pals at McDonnell Douglas, and they came up with a cool composite titanium alloy attack sub. The insane thing looks like a steel shark with an evil attitude problem.

Padre Noel now travels the seas in this contraption from Hell pulled by hopped up Killer Whales! Santa's R&D maniacs came up with a Crack Meth Whiskey, and Caffeine serum that not only get them stoned as hell, but can magically take Father Xmas anywhere on Earth in seconds.

Them rumors of nukes going off in the south Pacific was really a battle between Santa Co., and the Chinese Navy. Them dumb bastards tried to steal the formula. They came away with burnt radio-active fingers. ...and nuthin' else

Ya don't fuck with the Fat Man..ya just Don't.

Anyway we're in a globally warmed humid world now. We're toast..literally. 

Heck even if we swung with all that Kyoto Accords jazz it wouldn't have made any difference. That stuff was too little too late anyway. 

We're fucked, and that's that.

'But I digress.

The above being so Santa is letting his Arctic operations go. He's sold off them elves to the Russians as fertilizer, and he's headed South. Hey the Pole ain't gonna freeze for another 100,000 years so it's time to move.

Yep operations is going the the Pacific Rim, and Central America. Head Office is in Mexico City, and his new Villa overlooks Cancun. It's the Good Life for our no longer frosty hero.

Deals cut signed sealed, and delivered with assorted Presidents for Life deranged Generals, and Cartel Bosses. This for slaves to work the factories, and hired guns to keep shit running smooth.

Feliz Navidad!


  1. What is that mean Old Testament prophet doing dressed up as Santa Claus? He probably killed the real one in a Mafia hit.

  2. Santa's a whore he'll work for the highest bidder. General Electric or Yahweh it's all the same to him.

  3. He's an ogre, and I bet that big red bag is full of the little corpses of kids he's having for dinner.

  4. Yeah seal pups too. He likes'em breaded, and deep fried. The fiend!