"Doll Heist"...from our Archives

In the interest of spreading joy, and happiness to the mass's. Uncle Sydney, and pals have planned a revolutionary doll expropriation.


In short the proletariat deserve decent toys.

The following is a rough transcript of a conversation between this reporter, and our Dear Uncle. For the purposes of security, but mostly because Uncle said he'd "bust a cap up my lame butt!!" I shall refrain from spilling the beans on where our esteemed Uncle is holded up.


Uncle begins,.."See me, and the boys plans to knock over a particular doll factory in north Jersey, right." We'd scoped it out awhile back. So we knows they gots da goods we wants."

"Well, the plan is to bust in there disguised as the 1955 Brooklyn Dodgers. The historical angle, cute huh."

"Anyway we know the Feds has targeted the joint for a "swoop'n scoop!"

"You know bag the workers, and send'em back to Mexico."

"This after them guys had paid off these bastards to leave'em be. Ha! Well them cossacks took the dough alright, but plans to scoop 'em up anyhow."




"Crap like that burns me up!"




Well through our connections with the Buddhist Mafia, and the Catholic Worker we got all the folks at the factory 100% legal fool proof phony Green Cards! So they're okay.

The gringo federales won't be able to say bleep to 'em!

"We also gave the comrade workers free tickets to the "Wonder Wheel" at Coney Island. Nice huh?"

"Anyhow with the co-operation of the locals secured, them green cards, we'll load up our trucks with top'a the line dollies. You name it, 1st class "Barbies" with all the trimmings!"

"We'll be boosting classic "Betsey Wetsey" dolls, them hard to get "Gay Bert'n Ernie" upper west side doll sets, and playhouse. Plus assorted big ticket nick knacks that prole kids can only dream of."

"After the heist we'll hit all the ghettos, and trailer parks with the goods. Passing out swell dollies to exploited, and oppressed kids as we go!"

"I can see the headline now,.."TERRORISTS DOLL UP GHETTO!",...Homeland Security Baffled!"

At this point in the interview "Lost" was coming on so Comrade Uncle threw me out of his office, and ordered pizza.


Stay Tuned.

(This was first posted sometime about 2006 or so.)